The movies that make me piss myself

Lists. I like to make them. I like to revise them. As long as they aren't composed of anything practical. Ask me to make a list of my favorites songs with synthesized seagull sounds in them though (#1: "It's my Life" by Talk Talk) and I'm in heaven.

I've been watching reruns of Carpenter's The Thing on cable recently which is still a majorly misanthropic paranoid masterpiece. I remember going to see this with my Dad when it came out. It came out the summer of ET so it's kind of curious we ended up seeing this but whatever. I also remember my Dad throwing a fit about a woman with a crying baby. I am most definitely the nemesis of fools who bring babies to movies (particularly evening movies. Which are loud horror movies. Do you put beer in the baby bottle to make baby nap too?) but the whole scene turned inevitably into an embarrassing "I demand to see the manager" fiasco. At any rate, I bring this up because this protracted interlude worked out quite swimmingly in the end because as a result I missed the horrible dog massacre scene. I still have to change the channel when this scene approaches-I think I've only watched it once through splayed fingers. Cannot handle bad things happening to doggies, even outlandish fictional things.

And watching The Thing caused me to seek out John W. Campbell's original story "Who Goes There" which is a hard book to find in these parts. Hooray for the internets.

Horror is one of those maligned and abused genres like science fiction back in the day. It's easy to do on the cheap. It's easy to do exploitatively. For every Halloween, there are 10 I Spit on Your Grave's.

(btw, does anyone else think Last House on the Left is a ripoff of Bergman's The Virgin Spring?)

Here are some horror flicks, in no particular order, that still threaten my bladder control even when they shouldn't:

• The Thing--of course I've already mentioned it. Still utterly freaky and stomach churningly gross. You are stuck in the Antarctic. One or more of you isn't human. There's some kind of extraterrestrial spider monster that will take over the world if you don't kill every last one of it. Even Kurt fucking Russell and Keith David are freaking out so you know that you would be Thing bait. Also has one of the greatest line deliveries ever courtesy of David Clennon, "You've gotta be FUCKING kidding." If you ever have to give CPR, I guarantee you one scene in particular is going to flash before your eyes.

•  The Exorcist--is there a choice that's more obvious? Linda Blair pees on the floor and does naughty things with a crucifix. I blame Catholic school for planting the seed of Satan panic in my head that still causes me to want to cross myself and promise to go to confession when I watch this even though I've been an atheist for several years. Damn it Sister Regina, this is not fucking based on a true story.And while I'm on the subject, Kiss is not in league with the devil.

• The Omen--second most obvious choice. "It's all for you, Damien." Damn it, that still freaks me out. Skip the shitty remake and the sequels. My parents had this book when I was a kid and I remember continually shuffling it so it sat behind other books on the shelf so that the 666 on the spine wouldn't taunt me. 

• The Howling--first, can you believe that is the Doctor from Voyager? The chick who played Terri was indeed a terrific screamer and whoever composed that extremely unnerving soundtrack should have won an award. Apparently it's Pino Donaggio, also responsible for Don't Look Now, Dressed to Kill, Carrie and that stupid haunted doll flick Tourist Trap (my parents getting Showtime when I was around 10 insured I would see many a shitty movie like this one.) Bummer moment: someone shoots John Steed. 

• Psycho--I'm just so damn cliche. However, even though I know it's coming, I still fight the urge to scream when Vera Miles finds "Mrs. Bates" in that rocking chair and spins her around. Apparently, the cast and crew were afraid this movie would look silly and Hitch told them just wait until you see it with the soundtrack. Doubts erased. Many showers changed to baths.

• Paranormal Activity 1 and 2--either these movies' leisurely pace, suburban settings and slowly ramped up chain of demonic meddling will leave you a nervous wreck that is afraid to walk into a dark room for the next day or so or you'll be bored and entirely unmoved. I have talked to plenty of people in the second category but what the hell-have you no pulse, people? They did an amazing job of weaving the storyline from the first into the second. Also, dirty pool adding a dog and a baby to the mix in the sequel. 

•  The Amityville Horror--is this movie really scary? I mean, the scene with the demonic pig thing eyeballing Margot Kidder just looks ridiculous now. I just remember my parents taking me to see this in the theatre (I would have been around nine) and me coming home convinced that the devil was going to make the walls bleed ANY MINUTE. I have to say even though this is laughably bad, what was scary at 9 is scary forever on some level. The sequel not so much. I'm so glad Ryan Reynolds career has been successful enough that he doesn't have to star in shit like this anymore. I wonder what became of the lawsuit regarding the sequel by the way--I remember the real-life guy sued the movie makers for suggesting that he was homicidal. Hey, he's a fraud not a killer. Get it straight.

• Poltergeist--I heard lots of bitchery form cinephiles that Steven Spielberg ruined Tobe Hooper's vision. I still think this was plenty freaky. Again, the cozy suburban setting makes you feel safe. Then a long-tongued closet monster comes after you and there are skeletons in the swimming pool. Also, clowns. Automatically eligible.

•  Halloween--I know so many people who say "I don't watch horror movies" blah blah blah and I try to get them to watch this one. There is almost no blood for starters-you are either remembering wrong or remembering one of the vastly inferior sequels. It's all suspense, pacing, camera-work and a great score from Carpenter.

• The Prince of Darkness--Carpenter was really on when he was on. I think it's time I forgave him for Ghosts of Mars. This was panned when it came out like The Thing but people seem to appreciate it more these days. Satanic space goop. Physics. Donald Pleasance. The Brotherhood of Sleep (sounds awesome-can I join?) Alice Cooper kills someone with a bicycle.  In fact, you will not be saved.

• Salem's Lot--sure it was a TV movie about vampires with Starsky in it (or was the blonde one Hutch? I never could keep them straight.) It's also directed by Tobe Hooper and written by Stephen King so it's ok to admit this TV movie made you scared of scraping noises at the window for a few days. Or years. 

I'm sure there are more. I don't want to cheat and put something like Bob Roberts on here (although Republicans are kind of scary.) I'll have to expand this when inspiration hits.